Grasping the day moving forward as 50 looms what do we leave behind ! time to loses those dark demons !!

The sun is setting on my 40s and in recent months I have been getting so down as I feel I haven’t made my mark in the world. I had thoughts of moving forward but recent events meant a change of plans and thoughts of moving but were that just a way of escaping have I always escaped things I’m not sure I do overthink things in my life to an analytic stage which as Amanda says is my big problem this much is true I always think of things into much depth. I ran away from my youth going between parents in my teens angry at my parents for splitting this anger effected at least the first 30 years of my life but maybe the later years as that again propelled me to do things I escaped to Germany lived and worked there a failed relationship was then end of that thou. Then years of drifting it wasn’t till I meet Amanda I have felt anchored to someone fully she is my rock. So escaping wasn’t the plan is it ever the way so I spent the last week or two contemplating my life in terms of work I haven’t lived up to what I could be but I am very self-critical. I am hoping to progress somehow at work. So I constantly pull myself down but as I have been thinking of what I had failed at in my life. I then thought about what I would leave behind me and that is a successful marriage we are going to be married 15 years next year and are as strong as ever. I am better health than I was when I turned forty I rarely drink stopped smoking ok I have put weight on but am losing half a stone in the last few weeks is a good start. I think I will always struggle with depression but I don’t take meds and am having more happy days this last year or two thanks to using Cognitive behaviour tools even this post is part of that I have to think out things in a positive spin and be more positive about myself. So in that event, the other thing I feel is an achievement in my life is this blog it has connected me with a whole world I would have never met so many interesting people been to great events and places.  It has opened me up as a writer that was in me has sprung forth,  ok not the best one but it is constantly improving and that voice I struggled to find has come over the years ok it has taken million-plus words and 1100 books read to finally feel part of something, not a fraud. I have tried to write more words this year than the last few and am getting near a new highest total for a year. So as I move to 50 next year I intend to do more in fact I may even try some things I have been scared of doing vlogging talking in public which I have done a couple of times but never felt comfortable with but I feel a new confidence in myself and with the blog winstonsdad is an achievement and then I will be looking into writing a work about the journeys in the blog an idea I have long held a book that uses a theme to group books to show that themes and subjects can be connected to show how small the world is so I have ideas to show connections in books with subjects like War, Family, village life, city, road trips these are a few themes I have in mind it is to build a web to entice people into there own journeys of discovery the world of translated books has grown since I started blogging the world is a smaller place. As I turn fifty in March I want the next ten years to be mine to grasp not like the last to wallow in the depths of regret. So if you have any ideas tell me  ? I have in the past maybe been unkeen to do things or even just scared! but now want this blog to carry on and grow more not sure how yet posts are getting longer than they were the average word count tells me that even a post like this is much longer than personal post I have done before. so here is to my 50s from march and to growing winstonsdad even more !!

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. MarinaSofia
    Nov 25, 2021 @ 14:14:50

    You are right that we are often hardest on ourselves, and you should feel proud of your achievements. It has been a pleasure to connect with you via your blog and translated books, and I wish you the very best in the new decade!

    Reply

  2. kaggsysbookishramblings
    Nov 25, 2021 @ 16:05:18

    Here’s to your 50s Stu! We often tend to look on the negative, but you obviously have a wonderful marriage, and have achieved so much here with your focus on translated literature. That’s a real legacy, for a start! 😀

    Reply

  3. Liz Dexter
    Nov 25, 2021 @ 17:49:43

    You’re a decent person with a good marriage and provide a great resource to the world and its writers and readers with this post. I’m heading for 50 myself and have found myself resisting having a big present or a big do, but fortunately managing not to dwell too much on my achievements (or lack of!). Happy birthday to you, and long may you continue to thrive.

    Reply

  4. TravellinPenguin
    Nov 26, 2021 @ 05:58:41

    I think you should talk to your doctor if you are depressed. If you were diabetic you would seek help. As one who has had depressive moods off and on for years as a result of a chemical imbalance I suggest you treat it. Depression can be treated and people need to be open about it. I find Iovercame it with counselling strategies and medication. Don’t let it get more severe. Take care of yourself.

    Reply

  5. Lisa Hill
    Nov 26, 2021 @ 09:40:50

    Happy birthday, Stu!
    Your generosity with this blog, sharing your knowledge and expertise is a wonderful achievement. Your influence extends all over the world, and the thousands of words you have written are a unique resource for readers of all tastes.
    I consider myself very fortunate to have discovered your blog and to have been guided towards widening my reading horizons.
    Thank you!

    Reply

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