When the Levee breaks a Grief unleashed

I have been quiet for a couple of weeks on the blog front. I should have asked myself why before what happened happened. I am a very English sort of bloke, I try and keep the stiff upper lip and keep my self to myself. I have always struggled to talk about feelings and emotions.  I have kept my feelings on the whole during my life to myself. It started when my parents split and I was nine and I held in my emotions to myself, over the years I tend to build them up. In the past, I had Mum and My step mum Milly to chat to but now there is a void, even walking Winston would at times help me clear thoughts. This lead to what happened the other day when a small event at work became a catalyst for an outpouring of my emotions that I struggled to get back under control after an hour of crying I finally got back in control. But just I then looked back over the last few months from Mum dying which I never really come to terms with there is a sea of if and whats. So much I wish I said and done over the years but never did and now I can’t. Then My darling wife is struggling with pain which I wish I could take away but try and be there for her as much as possible. Add to this a failed driving test a few days before the third anniversary of my step mums passing. My job can be stressful at times and this had all come together and  I cracked. Now I have to try and open up and unburden myself. I had a similar incident fifteen years ago, I was unaware then and now I didn’t see this coming well I had been getting tearful more than normal at silly things and hiding behind jokes at times. I have been to the doc and now am going to talk to someone. I have to try and come to terms with mum not being here and build a new way of talking to people. Anyway, I sit feeling numb and fragile and hope that books will be as ever my companions and help me. I will be back tomorrow with a review. Sorry but in writing this I have maybe taken a step towards unburdening myself.

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lisa Hill
    May 28, 2018 @ 20:24:10

    Losing one’s parents has a huge impact… it happens to most people eventually because most people outlive their parents, but we don’t realise the emotional cost until it happens to us. They were always there, and now they’re not, and even if you are in a loving relationship it is a shock to discover just how hard it is to be without them.
    I hope that the doctor and his advice will help, but I’d like to suggest something that helps me. You are a writer as well as a reader, Stu, just like I am, and one way you can begin to unburden yourself is to write a private memory book. Spend some time writing down your memories of your parents, and even though you will find that it can make you feel very sad, the process of doing it is a kind of release of all those pent up emotions.
    Take care of yourself, and make sure you get outside for some long walks, like you used to do with Winston.

    Reply

    • winstonsdad
      May 28, 2018 @ 20:38:14

      It has been a real shock just seemed to soon .Amanda suggest I write my thoughts and memories as well I think I may I did it after winston past for a few months

      Reply

      • Lisa Hill
        May 28, 2018 @ 20:51:24

        There’s never a right time. My parents lived into old age, and that just let me drift into thinking they would be there forever.

  2. sharkell
    May 28, 2018 @ 20:55:09

    Thinking of you Stu. Love Lisa’s idea of a memory journal. Look after yourself and your lovely wife.

    Reply

  3. TravellinPenguin
    May 28, 2018 @ 21:54:04

    My mum just died in Feb. I didn’t think I would be affected much because we never had a close relationship so I was surprised when I had my own meltdown. It is so hard at times. You are wise to get medical advice. My advice is to allow yourself to feel the pain, surround yourself with friends and nature and be kind to yourself. Blig wise there are so many friends out here who care about you. Surround yourself with kindness.

    Reply

  4. roughghosts
    May 28, 2018 @ 22:26:58

    I have no wisdom Stu. It will be two years in July since both my parents died, followed by my best friend’s suicide. I was so close to my mother and, of all these losses, hers is the deepest and the most difficult to address. I have not even been able to write about it. I understand now why many grief memoirs take so long to emerge. I will suggest two books though, if you do not have them. One is A Sorrow Beyond Dreams by Peter Handke and Mourning Diary by Roland Barthes. Both were attempts by bereaved sons to address the losses of their mothers close to the fact—not possible, of course—but these beautiful works start to open channels and may help start the grief process proper.

    I think I’d be wise to pull these books out again, come to think of it. Best wishes.

    Reply

  5. Mary Mayfield
    May 29, 2018 @ 00:14:28

    Things can’t stay bottled up forever, and I think you’re right to liken it to a levee bursting. It always seems glib to say ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved’ but I think maybe we’re beginning to see there’s some truth in the old saying after all. Talk to people, write your feelings and memories down, and you’ll find folk far more understanding than you expect. Best wishes x

    Reply

  6. kaggsysbookishramblings
    May 29, 2018 @ 10:36:16

    So sorry you’re going through this Stu, and I agree with others that it’s best let out and shared. We never know how these things will affect us. It’s nearly three years since my dad died and it still gets me on a regular basis. But time *is* blunting the edges of the pain and you *will* get through this with the help of those around you who love you. Take care and stay strong. x

    Reply

  7. mytwostotinki
    May 29, 2018 @ 11:11:53

    All I can say is: moments like that can happen to anyone, and it has happened to me too once or twice. What you experienced is a moment of crisis, but you are already at the stage to analyze what and why it happened and that’s probably a good indication that all will be fine. Take your time, talk to your wife and the people closest to you. And don’t feel guilty for anything that you may consider a personal shortcoming. We all struggle, just that most people hide it. Wishing you and your wife all the best!

    Reply

  8. Victoria Blake
    May 30, 2018 @ 11:53:17

    Really sorry you are feeling this way Stu and hope it eases soon. I had to go through a lot of family papers recently and was amazed how upset I began to feel doing that. Both my parents have been dead for a long time but my mood became very volatile very quickly and it really took me by surprise. For what it’s worth I find walking really helps.

    Reply

  9. Richard
    Jun 06, 2018 @ 16:37:42

    Sorry to hear about the sad times, Stu. Wishing you more peaceful times ahead.

    Reply

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