When the Levee breaks a Grief unleashed

I have been quiet for a couple of weeks on the blog front. I should have asked myself why before what happened happened. I am a very English sort of bloke, I try and keep the stiff upper lip and keep my self to myself. I have always struggled to talk about feelings and emotions.  I have kept my feelings on the whole during my life to myself. It started when my parents split and I was nine and I held in my emotions to myself, over the years I tend to build them up. In the past, I had Mum and My step mum Milly to chat to but now there is a void, even walking Winston would at times help me clear thoughts. This lead to what happened the other day when a small event at work became a catalyst for an outpouring of my emotions that I struggled to get back under control after an hour of crying I finally got back in control. But just I then looked back over the last few months from Mum dying which I never really come to terms with there is a sea of if and whats. So much I wish I said and done over the years but never did and now I can’t. Then My darling wife is struggling with pain which I wish I could take away but try and be there for her as much as possible. Add to this a failed driving test a few days before the third anniversary of my step mums passing. My job can be stressful at times and this had all come together and  I cracked. Now I have to try and open up and unburden myself. I had a similar incident fifteen years ago, I was unaware then and now I didn’t see this coming well I had been getting tearful more than normal at silly things and hiding behind jokes at times. I have been to the doc and now am going to talk to someone. I have to try and come to terms with mum not being here and build a new way of talking to people. Anyway, I sit feeling numb and fragile and hope that books will be as ever my companions and help me. I will be back tomorrow with a review. Sorry but in writing this I have maybe taken a step towards unburdening myself.

May 2018
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